As I was watching a video on time management by pastor/speaker Andy Stanley, I was absolutely taken aback by something he said. He shared a finding that felt like I was forced to look at my soul in the mirror. He said he came across a life changing truth as he was reading some studies and interviews with terminal cancer patients. A hospice nurse named Bronnie Ware, recorded in a journal the insights she gleaned from hundreds of men and women who had less than 12 weeks of life to live. Her research revealed that there were two main regrets these people had as they reflected on their lives. The second place regret was rather expected and obvious, "I spent too much time at work and not enough with family." But it was the first regret that shook me to my core. When I first heard it I was cut to the heart because it unearthed something deep inside of me that I know I daily struggle with, and I am sure you do too. Here is the finding: #1 Regret: "I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." Read that again and let it linger. Isn't this so true? We are ruled by expectations, and they are killing us. Most people are haunted by hundreds of voices of people who we want to love us, like us, approve of us, be proud of us and believe the best of us. We are born to please - - and people know this. So they use our desire to please to get us to do what they want. How do people use "our desire to please" to get us to do what they want us to do? Through voiced expectations: "I want you to do this....and if you don't, I will be disappointed, angry, upset, and no longer pleased with you." Wow are those words powerful over pleasers. Why do we give people so much power over us? Why do we want to be liked so much? They are just words and voices. I don't know? Personally speaking, if I could silence those voices my life would be so much easier to live. There are three types of voices we have to stop letting rule over us: SHAME: words that say our person does not measure up. "You are acting like that? And I thought you were a Christian?" Why do we allow people the right to shame us? Why is there even a group of people who we allow to take the position only Christ is to take? We have to learn to say, "So what? Deal with it!" That is a hard thing to say, and often costly; but it unlocks shackles that have kept us in a prison of other people's making. GUILT: words that say our actions don't measure up. "You did what? How could you?" Isn't Jesus the one who judges? Even the idea that I need to forgive myself is a narrative built on false guilt. If God forgave me in Christ, how can I not forgive myself? Am I greater than God? FLATTERY: words that make me feel good so I will continue to perform. You are not significant because someone says you are, you are significant because Christ died for you. Flattery only works on those who don't believe that. If you had the courage to live a life true to yourself, what would it look like? And if people don't like that life, and God does, who cares? I would write more. I would voice my political opinion more. I would not be so busy. Busyness is a direct result of being a pleaser. I know I would spend my time enjoying God more. Did you know God's expectations are a whole lot easier to meet than those voices of others in your head? If that is true, stop listening to them. It may set you free? What do you want to do? Do it.
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"Check it out I’m in really bad shape! Gimme, gimme, gimme – I need, I need, I need, gimme, gimme, gimme…” Bob Wiley, "What About Bob?" Moody Bible Institute...ever heard of it? This is the school where I went to get my graduate degree in ministry. It is also known by any student whoever went there as Moody Bridal Institute - - the perfect place to find a Christian wife. I thought people used that name because it rhymed - - but the truth is they used that name because many people found their wife there. I did. Ironically, one of the male students in my first year grad school class, said finding a wife was his primary purpose in coming to MBI. He explained to me, "God showed me in a dream that I will meet my future wife here in Chicago." I asked him how he knew it was God telling him, and he said, "Because I heard his voice clear as a bell." There was one problem with this revelation coming true; the man never had a date in his life...he was scared of women. So he often would ask me for advice on how you go about meeting girls. My answer was simple, "Go up and talk to them, find out their interests and then ask them to go study at the library." This was a Christian school after all. Surprisingly, he took my advice and landed a few dates to the library with some very pretty girls. So each time he came to class after one of those library rendezvous, I asked him how it went. He would say, "Not too well. When the girl asked me why I came to Moody, I told her God said I would find my wife here. For some reason, that seemed to end the conversation. I can never understand why this happens." So I asked him if he ever heard of Phil Collins and his rendition of the Supremes' song "You Can't Hurry Love"? He said no, so I sang it, But mama said You can't hurry love No, you just have to wait She said love don't come easy It's a game of give and take You can't hurry love No, you just have to wait You got to trust, give it time No matter how long it takes He gave me a bad face after I sang it, I asked, "Do I sing that bad?" He said, "No, you sing quite well, I just don't like the message of that song. I want a wife now!" I told him. . . Love, respect, acceptance cannot be demanded, it must be nurtured. This is not only true with finding a wife, it is also true with politics, race relations, joining blended families and you can see it clearly played out on an episode of the Office when Andy Bernard wanted to be included in "The Finer Things" club. You can't demand for other people to behave and emotionally respond the way you want them to. The establishment of healthy relationships and heartfelt commitment takes time. You can't force a woman to love a man, nor can you force one community to embrace everything about another without time, patience, and understanding. Enacting laws to curb injustice and personal injury is one thing; but demanding people to think the way you want them to think is next to impossible. Stopping micro-aggressions and natural human hard-heartedness is something you cannot force. You can't shame someone into love, nor can berate them into godly thinking. And legislation never trains a wild heart, it only makes it more rebellious. I remember when I first became the Senior Pastor at our church, some people wanted me to have a relationship with them like the pastor I followed. They were actually upset that I didn't spend time and develop relational closeness with them like the previous pastor. After a while, some of them assumed that the reason we were not having the same kind of relationship was because I was mean, cold-hearted and uncaring. When the truth is, I just didn't know them well enough yet to spend all my time with them or open up my heart to them. Some of their personalities didn't mix to well with mine. It wasn't a matter of wickedness, just patience and human give and take. Some people don't want to give and take, they want to demand love and acceptance now. And if you don't behave the way they want you too, they often will see you as a meany, or worse, a bigoted racist. Love me or else is the cry of a childish heart. Much of our politics is laced with this same kind of childishness. Love me or else, "I will riot," love me or else, "I will demand laws for you to love me," love me or else, "We will take you to court." The man who went to Moody with me finally met a girl that liked him. But he still didn't trust her word, he thought she was going to be just like all the others - - leaving him once she got to know him. He was so insecure he started putting words into her mouth and seeing her genuine goodwill as patronizing lies and subterfuge. After awhile she left him because his insecurity was impossible to deal with. As a result, this gave him more reason to not trust women. He left Moody without a wife. Did God fail him? Are women never to be trusted? Or is some of this his fault? I think if we quit expecting others to behave the way we want them to, this world would be a wonderful place. So if someone calls you a bad name, stop allowing it to taint your perspective on the world, stop behaving like the world owes you. Stop saying, "Or else." It is for your own good. Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5:15-16) I was asked a very difficult question 2 weeks ago that I have been thinking about and wondering exactly how to answer it. The gist of it is this, "As America is sliding toward Gomorrah, what are Christians to do? Should we fight to try to stop the slide and be hated; or do we quietly endure, turn the other cheek, and offer grace to those who have been caught in Gomorrah's snares?" It is a very hard question because there are times to fight, and there are times to shut up and take it. A surprising and confusing story is when Muhatma Gandhi offered this piece of advice in an 1938 essay concerning the Jews undergoing Nazi oppression, "neither flee nor resist but rather offer yourselves up to be killed by your enemies, since your 'suffering voluntarily undergone will bring an inner strength and joy.'" Years later a Jewish journalist asked Gandhi directly, “You mean that the Jews should have committed collective suicide?” Gandhi responded: “Yes, that would have been heroism.” One historian later ridiculed the naivete of Gandhi's impractical and extreme views on non-violence by saying, "If during WWII, had Gandhi convinced the English to lay down their arms and practice non-violence, the Jewish people would have been totally annihilated, democracy and human rights would have disappeared and our world would have been plunged into a new Dark Age of unimaginable cruelty." Gandhi was a fatalist. He believed in Karma. If you non-violently resisted, he believed you would be rewarded in a future life. (Check out Hebrews 9:27 to see if he even knew what he was talking about.) But a Christian believes life matters now! God has made each of us moral agents; and as his stewards, he asks born again Christians to be his "Ambassadors, Heralds and Messengers". So from a Christian perspective, there are times and situations where a Christian must accept humiliation in silence, and there are times when the Bible says it is proper to raise your voice, and even, if necessary, take up arms. A general rule of thumb is that on a personal level we need to be willing to "turn the other" cheek when people ridicule and offend us. But according to Romans 13, there are times when a state has the responsibility to suppress evil and protect innocents by "bearing the sword" and "punishing the wrongdoer." American Citizens There also is another variable in play when considering this question: we live in a country that is "of the people, by the people, for the people." In other words, our voice matters! We have the right to debate, disagree and try to persuade. If all Christians remained silent out of fear of offending, the only voices that would be heard are the ones who have not the insight of the biblical worldview. And that would be detrimental for all of us. Even non-Christians because they benefit from our practical grace. Never forget what Edmund Burke has said, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” To show you where the world is headed if our voices are not raised, I offer you two quotes that I read this morning: - "According to Tumblr – the social media platform serving as the “intellectual” epicenter of gender fluidity and other “social justice” nonsense – gender terms range from the basic, like cisgender (“the feeling of being the gender you were assigned at birth, all the time”); to the confusing, like vibragender (“a gender that is usually one stable gender but will occasionally change or fluctuate before stabilizing again”); and to the genuinely bizarre, colorgender (“a gender associated with one or more colors and the feelings, hues, emotions, and/or objects associated with that color”). - "Just one generation ago, the universally understood term for the gay community was “LGBT” (lesbian-gay-bisexual-transsexual), the acronym today has ballooned to “LGBTQQIAAP” (lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-queer-questioning-intersex-asexual-allies-pansexual). The rationale behind this alphabet-soup is to increase inclusion of groups that otherwise make up statistically minuscule elements of the population when divided into such niches. The practical effect is exclusion by inclusion. According to one of the “As” in the acronym – “ally” -- anyone who is not sympathetic to the cause is automatically excluded from the movement –becoming, in effect, an enemy." Is this the kind of world you want? If it is, don't say a word. Let your children be influenced by the popular media. If you disagree make your argument. You may not get a lot of people to listen, but you may get a few thinkers to hear your argument and change. Remember, you are an American too. So say something.... Is Anger Always Wrong? One other question has to be discussed: Is it wrong to get angry? Sometimes it is, sometimes it is not - - but I don't worry about it as much as I once use to. I find Jesus was angry a lot. I know, I know, he was God, we are not. But when you see a world gone mad; your convictions formed from truth will often fuel your emotion. Anger is often an outworking of the truth confronting the offending lies. I personally find indifference and stoicism much more offensive than anger. Homosexuality is a case in point. I have seen so many people, vulnerable young people, people from broken homes, destroyed and exploited by our over-sexualized culture; especially when it comes to homosexuality. America's call for "sophisticated tolerance" toward the homosexual lifestyle fills me with rage because it isn't being honest at all. It ignores how vast numbers of people are being seduced, lied to, and ultimately destroyed by the sick perversions learned from older male sex addicts and progressive political agendas. Am I to just remain silent? The popular media wants us to. They want us to see wholesome Americana at Gay Pride parades. But if you really look, Gomorrah has arrived! God cannot be happy about that. God cannot be happy when we tell a confused 7 year old he is scared of girls because he probably is gay. We are delivering lambs to the wolves. Are we God's Ambassadors or not? Do we plead with others on Christ behalf to "be reconciled to God" or not? I find that Jesus says we should not be surprised when we are "excluded, insulted, rejected and hated" for his name's sake. I find, those who remain silent aren't often rejected or hated. It is those who publicly and strongly oppose the slide toward Gomorrah who are not wanted around. Gomorrah Revisited In Genesis 19, the people of Gomorrah wanted to sleep with God's angels. Lot warned the people of Gomorrah and said, "Don't do this wicked thing!" The people of Gomorrah said to Lot, and listen closely, "Get out of our way...you came to our town as an alien, you don't belong, and now he wants to play the judge!" Isn't that exactly what is being said about us? We don't really understand the culture, we have become relics of history, and above all, we are too judgmental! No, we know God and all we are doing is warning those who are heading off a cliff. So, if you think it is time to stand up and fight, fight! If you think it is time to take it and shut up, take it. But to each Christian his own. And if you decide to fight, just be warned, people will fight back. My friend has a friend who calls herself a boy, but she is a girl. This boy-girl loves spiders, especially tarantulas. She, or should I say he, has a couple of pet tarantulas and her, I mean his, favorite is a brown Goliath bird eater. It is a big, bad, ugly spider. But not to her, I mean him. She, he, says, “I love my spider, he is a good spider.” My friend asked her friend, “How do you know he is a he?” The answer was simple, “When spiders molt, you can look on their underside and it is really easy to tell their gender.” She, he, has other spiders, but only one boy spider. Did you know you can tell the gender of spiders? I guess it is more obvious than you could ever imagine...and that is one thing I don't want to imagine. But when it comes to humans, it is becoming harder and harder to tell. We call ourselves the superior species, but I am not so sure? We are more confused about ourselves than tarantulas are about other tarantulas. You know what I think the problem is? We don't molt all at once like spiders do. If we did, it might be easier to tell? Why does this even matter? Because I read an article yesterday “Churches Could be Forced to Comply with Transgender Laws” that shows how our confusion on gender is becoming a big problem for many. If only we could learn from tarantulas we wouldn't have these legal problems! Todd Starnes writes, “The Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination, the commission responsible for enforcing the anti-discrimination law, reinforced that interpretation in a document titled, 'Gender Identity Guidance.' “Even a church could be seen as a place of public accommodation if it holds a secular event, such as a spaghetti supper, that is open to the general public,” the document states. “All persons, regardless of gender identity, shall have the right to the full and equal accommodations, advantages, facilities and privileges of any place of public accommodation.” “The law bootstraps the idea of gender identity onto existing Civil Rights laws,” MFI president Andrew Beckwith tells me. “Even having a sign in your church that says “This Bathroom is for Biological Women Only” could subject the pastor of the church to up to 30 days in jail.” Beckwith said under the law, the sign would be treated the same as if it had said, “Whites Only.” Crazy, 30 days in jail because we want girls to go to girls bathrooms and boys to go to boys bathrooms? How can a girl who thinks she is a boy be sure her boy tarantula is not a girl? Well the answer to the gender issue really matters for spider lovers. You see, in some species of spiders, after a male and female mate, the female eats the male spider. So if you love your boy spider, you better make sure he isn't in a cage with a female...because what if he becomes attracted to that beautiful lady spider in the corner? It could mean he faces a certain death? I am not so sure cannibalism is common for tarantulas, but you can never be too careful with your beloved boy spider! The same kind of care doesn't seem to take hold in the human species. Did you know occasionally older human males can become attracted and sexually predatory to the younger females? And yes, it is possible for some male predators to dress up like females to lure females to them? If we cared about the younger females of our species, wouldn't it be a good thing to keep the older ones away and give them zero possibility of contacting the younger girls? There is one major problem with this question: we no longer know how to identify genders like we do in spiders. Or maybe the problem is, we just don't want to? Are we confused or are we just trying to make things confusing? Do you ever think we will get to the point where we think we are tarantulas? Sounds crazy? But it isn’t if freedom of expression is the ultimate goal of American liberty. You should be able to be anything you want: a cat, a baby in diapers, a dog, or even a zombie chewing on people’s faces if you want. Live and let live, right? Unless of course the zombie wants to eat your face. What if a predator male is dressed up like a girl lurking in your church's bathroom? Oh yeah, we are not allowed to think that humans could ever be so twisted and evil. Once you change things that are obvious into what you feel you want them to be, the world becomes more dangerous than a tarantula sitting on top of your head. If you feel that my money is your money, you should have the right to it, right? But what if I want to shoot the loaded gun I have in my hand because you took my money? Isn't that my right too? Unlimited freedom is not really freedom after all. And this also should be true when it comes to gender identity; but sadly, it is not. So pastor, get ready to do some time. And dad, get ready for your daughter to see a bearded lady in the bathroom shaving. I once thought we had it better than insects, but apparently not tarantulas? There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18) The world is full of wounded people. Easily hurt, overwhelmed with guilt, shame, anxiety; and crippled by fear. Does this describe you? Why are we so fragile? Many of our lives are resting on a cracked foundation, built with the rotten wood of self. When people like us, we feel strong. But when people criticize, argue, complain or even register indifference in our presence, the world seems to crumble around our feet. Joker once asked Batman, "Why so serious?" That is a the wrong question. The most telling one is, "Why so worried?" The most commonly used description of humanity's collective state of the soul is "insecure": I am not sure I am going to make it? I am not sure I have enough in myself to make it? I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I know you have had morbid thoughts like this - - because I do, all the time. Just look around you, why else are people so angry? Why do we have to micro-manage what we say to people? Why does everyone seem to be so uptight when it comes to politics, health, money, and relationships? Because fear and our own personal inability to effect change makes us all a little apprehensive. So what is the cure? How do I obtain security? I want to have an indestructible, unassailable and invincible soul. Don't you? I know it can't be who we put in office, Hilary or Donald, it can't be a good interest rate on our investment, or people hitting the like button on my Instagram pic. So what is the solution? Before I tell you - - you must be ready to be honest with yourself. You must stop playing games and quit hiding. Stop acting like you are better than you are. Get alone where it is quiet, sit down with nothing else (no phone, Ipad, computer or TV) and ask yourself this: "Do I 'feel' loved by God?" I know we are not to predicate our faith on feeling - - however, feeling is a crucial part of human existence. I once read your soul is like a man riding a 1,000 pound elephant. The man represents "reason", and the elephant is "emotion." Reason can only move a person so far...but once emotion gets moving, wow, you have real power to live by. So, do you feel loved? O.K., what do I mean by loved? I think the feeling of love includes three components: I know I am wanted, I know I am accepted, and I know that I am delighted in. Scripture says love is patient, kind, keeps no record of wrongs...but remember, we are talking about feelings. Feeling is your personal perception of another's attitude toward you. That is where it gets tricky. There is a story about a man and woman who got married, and after 40 years of marriage the wife was fed up with her husband's lack of communication. So she demanded they get marriage counseling. The counselor asked the wife what was wrong with the marriage? She replied, "He doesn't love me." The man said, "Sure I do. Where did you ever get that silly idea?" The wife in disgust said, "You never say 'I love you.'" And the man looked at her and flatly stated, "I said I loved you 40 years ago on the altar. If I changed my mind I would have told you." She needed to "feel" loved. Everyone does. Especially when it comes to a God we can't see. We all need to know: Does God want me, does he accept me, and does he delight in me? How you answer and then process this will either make or break your soul. Oh sure, you can act like God's opinion doesn't matter; but when you are alone, and it is deathly quiet, you are wired to wonder, "Hmmm, how does God view me?" And don't act like it doesn't matter. . . As scripture says, "The fool has said in his heart there is no God." So you know he exists, and you know his opinion about you matters more than anyone else's. So, does God love you? This morning, I really meditated on this. Even I, a pastor for 20 some odd years, need to know. I need to feel. Instantly, this is what came flooding to my mind: (1) JESUS TOOK MY PLACE ON THE CROSS: That is how much God wants me. In order to take my place, he voluntarily chose to come down to this smelly and violent earth from heaven, and be nailed naked on a tree. He stood in for me. He clinched his teeth, shut his mouth and allowed the world to rip him apart. . . for me. No one else would ever do that for me! Especially if they really knew me - - a mistake prone myopic jerk, an enemy to his holiness, a selfish man - - he wanted me, even then. He wants me now! (2) AT THE CROSS, GOD'S WRATH WAS FULLY UNLEASHED, AND COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED: The Father's anger toward me was aimed at his Son. All of it. Jesus drank the cup of wrath "down to it's dregs" at the cross. In those short three hours, God emotionally unleashed all his eternal fury, "It was the will of the Lord to crush him; he has put him to grief." (Isaiah 53:10) The pounding Jesus took fully satisfied the justice of heaven. So, now, there is no more anger to unleash on me, wrath is quenched. Through Jesus, and because of his payment, when I exercise faith in him, God the Father accepts me...I belong! (3) THE RESURRECTION IS GOD'S STAMP OF DELIGHT AND APPROVAL: It is one thing to have your sins paid for, to have wrath extinguished, it is quite another to be embraced as worthy. I know a man who once told me that he knows God has to allow him in heaven because of the cross, but he isn't sure God likes him and wants him to be there. Like a member of the family that sits in the corner and everyone is good with it; this man felt like God had to love him, but he really didn't want to love him. No, no, no, when you believe, you become a valued and irreplaceable member of the family. You are the brother that everyone can't wait to see, the beloved college kid returning home for Thanksgiving. Where mom is waiting at the door, little brother is watching from the window and dad is texting wondering when you will arrive. God longs for you in the same way, because he delights in you. God likes me! When you know you have the invincible God on your side, you can be sure you have nothing to fear. You are secure. Here is one of the most reassuring verses ever given to the person who begins to feel loved, "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) Why are you worried that God, who already gave you his Son, may not give you exactly what you need this moment? He broke the bank when he sacrificed his Son. So why so worried? Is it because you really never believed in him in the first place? Maybe that is why you are so insecure...I would be too! Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29) It was the biggest dirt hill you ever saw. Not only that, the dirt was of the finest quality. It was light brown, baby-soft, sifted topsoil that was meant to be used for dressing the local baseball fields. My friends and I, however, used it for playing epic games of "King of the Mountain."
And boy was it fun - brutal, body-bruising, bone-breaking - fun. The object of the game was simple: Be the King and stay the King. Anything goes from forearm shivers to kamikaze all-out assault attacks. One time I wanted to knock one of my friends off the top of the dirt hill so bad I made a flying leap from one side, missed him, and ended up completely on the other side of the mountain swallowing 3 pounds of brown dirt as I tumbled to the bottom. The only problem with King of the Mountain is that no one really ever won. Not even Jim Whitley. Sure, he could stay on top for awhile but not when he was hit by a four-man-wide flying wall of fists, knees and arms. King of the Mountain eventually humbled even the strongest of neighborhood rough necks. After awhile, usually when the smallest kid landed head first on the cement, we quit. "What's the use?" Eating dirt and catching elbows starts to really hurt. This is how I am starting to feel about Facebook lately. Two nights ago I read a person's post that probably, to them, seemed well meaning - - but the truth of the matter is it was a direct backhanded slam against me and people like me just so the person who posted could be King. They wanted to feel superior in a very passive-aggressive way. Facebook feels like playing a long game of King of the Mountain. Everyone is trying to win, and no one ever does. I hate to admit it, but I have been playing it too. Oh sure, I try to sound like I am crusading for the rightness of my side on political, religious and even cultural issues; when for much of the time I just want to be on top. "Look at me! I am the smartest, wisest, most adventurous, best looking, healthiest, happiest, most caring and compassionate, blah, blah, blah." I am getting sick of myself because I realize deep down in my bones I just want to win. But win what? Facebook guy of the day? Best one line commentator? Garner most hits on the subject of "what I ate for dinner"? In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says communication is meant to "build up." That means language, discussions, and conversation should be about looking for ways to encourage and bless others. Seriously? It isn't about winning? Is blessing people even possible on Facebook? Yes, but it takes effort to do this. It requires us to pause and ask before we hit post, "Who will this benefit?" "Who will this picture or article be an encouragement too?" And no, it can't be the guy who I want to smack down with a zinger, or the loud-mouthed troll who needs to be shut-up, or letting some of the people I graduated 30 years ago with see how successful and good shape I still am in. And it should never be, "see how my kids are better than your kids?" "Aren't you excited that I lost more weight than you?" Or "Isn't cool I get to go on a cruise to the Bahamas for the fourth time this year?" Facebook has great potential to connect, inspire and inform. But if I am trying to win, be the King, sooner or later I will be pushed off and it hurts. And to those I have given a forearm shiver to in the form of argument and off-handed ridicule...I'm sorry, I will do better. I will let you win and be King for a day! Hope it makes you feel good? |
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