In my ever and ongoing research of child & parent relationships I have come to some curios theories in recent days. Truly understanding behavior, motivation and obedience of your children is like trying to untie a Gordian knot. The more you think you have it figured out the more tangled it often becomes.
But every once in awhile the light goes on and patterns emerge. This can happen over time or it can hit you quickly like a flash of lightning. This past Saturday as I was ironing my dress shirt for a wedding, I got into conversation with my oldest daughter. As she was explaining to me her opinions and observations about the world of parenting, my mind flashed. Crystallization and categorization occurred in a moment, and I believe this instant of insight has to potential to revolutionize the parenting industry. Just you watch, I will call my new theory: THE THREE ANIMALS of PARENTING The seed idea is that every parent takes on the persona of one of three animals, and overtime the animal inside of you can positively or adversely affect the soul of your child. In this theory two constants are applied: (1) Conditioning of a child occurs overtime. Parenting is more about the consistent long-term habits that are expressed on a daily basis than the short momentary interventions and quick fixes. (2) Your words matter more than you think they do. God chose to relate to human beings primarily through words, it is the same in the home. Never forget that sarcasm, belittling and cutting-down will pierce the heart of every child and cause it to emotionally bleed. Don't buy the lie that "That is just the way we communicate in our home." O.K., so let's go to the parenting zoo. I think you are going to love this... THE ROARING LION & ANGRY MOTHER BEAR (this is the only one that I am going to differ for males and females) What I want you to focus on in these two animals is that they both use "Volume of Words" and "Clearly Defined Superiority of Roles" to define relationships with their children. Lions like to throw their weight around in quick outbursts of power and after they get done roaring they will often go back to their dens to sleep. Translation: This is the father that thinks instruction is all about blowing up at your kids when they disappoint, disrespect or disagree. Mother Bears, like the Lion, also like to forcefully make it known to their children that they are in control. They are "THE MOM", and what they say goes! Decisions for everything in life concerning the children are always made by the Mother Bear. A mother's prerogative does not have to be established by reason and logic, but simply by the dictum, "I am your mother, and as your mother what I say goes." Mother Bears love to own their children, and ownership means that the primary identity of the child is that "they are mine!" This right of the mother is because a Mother Bear really believes they love and know their children in ways only Mother Bears can. THE SERIOUS AND ALOOF EAGLE The Eagle is an interesting creature: it is proud, it is accomplished and it is distant. Mothers and fathers like this always see their children as little flaying birds that have much to learn. Eagles are always better and rarely enter the little birds world. Eagles don't blow up like the Lion and Mother Bear, but they do belittle. Eagles don't usually teach, instead they throw the child out of the nest to figure life out on their own. And when the child fails, which they always will, it proves the eagle parent's soaring superiority over each of their kids. Eagle parents like to make snide comments, corrections and rarely if never admit to having faults of their own. THE HEROIC MOUSE I know, I know, the idea of a mouse as a parent seems so wrong, so milk toast, so wimpy. But I did some very extensive research as I was considering this theory and in studying the mouse I found this amazing insight: "Yes, while mice are frequently portrayed in animation as shy and physically frail, bookish, nerdy and glasses-wearing, more often than not writers and story tellers over the years have collectively portrayed them as heroic figures. Mice often must fight enemies bigger than they are. Many of the more beloved cartoons and characters in literature are mice: Mickey Mouse, Reepicheep, Jerry (Tom and Jerry), Speedy Gonzales, Mighty Mouse, Danger Mouse, Stuart Little, the mice in Redwall, and The Lion and the Mouse. So you see, while we may see them merely as vermin, in our collective unconsciousness mice have character qualities that we can all admire." Anonymous Never thought mice were so heroic, did you? So how does this apply to parenting? A mouse parent knows their limitations, a mouse doesn't push his weight or title around, a mouse is crafty, and above all else a mouse is approachable. What happens when you have a parent like that - - like a warm fuzzy animal, children find their parents humility very engaging. IMPLICATIONS OF LIVING WITH ANIMALS Now as children learn to live with each one of these animals, different habits and coping mechanisms will start to form and mold your children. And if you are not careful, your children will over time learn how to tame you and fool you. No parent is ever as smart as they think they are. Let me show you what I mean... - Children who live with Lions learn that they must never disturb the perfect world of a sleeping Lion. Children who fear the roar, learn to survive in the home by reading the moods of the Lion. They become experts at knowing what areas of their life they can reveal and what they must hide from their dad. If a child can't be honest about their failings, mistakes and even their curiosity about the dark areas of their life, they will learn to lie and hide things. And when a Lion becomes especially dangerous and volatile, they will just plain stay away (locked in their rooms or constantly wanting to go out with their friends). When it is next to impossible to make a Lion happy, children figure, "Why try?" So Mr. Lion, you may win every argument, you may think you are getting your way, but sadly you will probably lose your kid. - Children who live with Mother Bears, after awhile, feel smothered and they will want out. Children who don't want to upset the Mother Bear simply learn to stuff their feelings and opinions, like a person who is holding their breath under water. But you can only do this for so long until you must get out and express yourself. Moms, can I be honest with you? Children do not like to be owned. They want to be their own person, but if you only see them as your own little girl or boy; they are just biding their time to leave you as soon as possible. As I was talking to my daughter she was explaining to me how some of her friends that lived with Mother Bears have even experimented with bad things behind their mom's backs as a way to be free and own a small part of their own life. So moms, be careful, your children are God's children, not yours. - Children who live with Eagles feel very alone. While they don't worry about upsetting them, they never feel like they can please them. Eagles who think they do no wrong as parents, fail to realize they are human beings, and every human being fails. Your kids see your failures...and they always see past your facade. If you can't be open and honest with your kids about your failings, or if you always criticize your kids failings, they will grow cynical, sad and insecure. Did God give you children so you can finally be better than someone, or so you can grow them up to reach farther and higher than you? A truly big person learns to be small so the people around them have room and freedom to grow up. Love loses itself for the sake of the other - - Eagles have a hard time understanding this. - Children who live with Mice thrive. Mice are meek, and so was Jesus. Meekness does not mean you are a push-over, it means you are flexible, humble, and calm. You don't explode over spilled milk. You don't think you are superior. You don't demand obedience and compliance out of your position; you teach and train from your knowledge. Children who are raised in the homes of mice will argue, share opinions and even feel free enough to disagree - - this is a good thing! Lions, Mother Bears, and Eagles are threatened by non-compliance - - but we are not raising well trained seals. Human children must one day live on their own and they need to learn how to harness self-control on their own. They do this by learning from a supportive parent. CONCLUSION I know, I know, all metaphors will fail at some point; and I am sure my parenting zoo is full of holes. But if you understand my over-arching objective, you will see that your character qualities as a parent and your person is more important than applying behaviorist rules. If I have caused you to think, this post has been a success. Be honest with yourself. Do your children like to be around you, or do they hide? Do you need them to see you as superior or are they free to ask questions and challenge your opinions? Mice it is time to rise up and roar!
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
August 2018
|